i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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