Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
