sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Randomize
