my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
