I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
