My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I wish my penis had an off switch
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Still dying that you shit outside
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
