My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
