Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Last time i carry you out of a forest
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Randomize
