I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
