I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
