I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
