Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
