I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
