and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
