I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
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