I'm so fucking centered right now
This house was built for laser tag.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
