For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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