Michael Bay diarrhea
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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