My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
