So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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