i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize