Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
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