A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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