If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
