I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
