I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
If I had your ass I would rule the world
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