Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
