Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
