Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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