you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize