I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
