Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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