Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
