My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
