her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize