Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
