So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
