Kiss
Puke
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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