alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
