I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
