Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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