after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize