halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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