Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
