I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
