You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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