White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
