i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I'm bleeding and have questions
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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