I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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