Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
