oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
We talked him into tasing himself.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
