Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
