I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
im holly from the hills drunk
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
