It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
