Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
