just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
