weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
