Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Sext me about skeletons
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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