Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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