I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
